Led Zep-shout out that no rock-n-roll is no good.:
The last six months have been pretty useless for me, and I haven’t posted in quite some time. Since Nov. 1 actually when, I guess, I was having a hard time. Sometimes, no news is good news, but sometimes it’s just being lazy! I’ll cop to that one.
So, what’s been going on? Well, whatever set me off in November really screwed me for the last few months of 2017 and first few months of 2018. The main thing was I got off my schedule for self-care and freelance work and basically gained 20 fucking pounds. That suuuuuuucccccckkkkeedd and I am now really struggling with my weight again.
Seriously, it makes me want to cry. Yeah, it’s true, I just posted a new bikini photo on my Instagram account, but that account promotes XL body type so I felt like I had to do it to keep with my goals for inclusion. I also sent it in to the Ashley Graham company, as they were looking for photos of plus-sized women wearing their beautiful suits. [On a side note, if you are over a size 14, you MUST look at the SwimsuitsForAll.com website—these suits are amazing and will make you feel super confident in your body, whatever size you are at.]
But I digress.
Let me instead bitch about shit has not been working out for me. Sorry if it sounds like complaining, but really not sorry. Truthfully, disappointments happens and I have been upset about it. I’m all about being positive but sometimes when shit goes wrong you need to sit with it and it’s OK to be mad or feel bad about it. I just wish I hadn’t lost several months feeling sorry for myself.
December in general was a good month, but lots of partying, which left me overweight and constantly catching up my bipolar management from all the drinking. It was the frequency of it rather than the amount.
Early Jan and Feb sucked because my yoga trainings were canceled due to lack of interest. I really love teaching yoga trainings so this hurt. I think if I could pick one thing that I like to do and feel that I do well, it would be yoga teaching and training.
During that same period, I was asked to model plus-sized clothes for a major U.S. workout apparel company. This was to be for a marketing campaign for a huge sports retailer in the U.S. We basically had the shoot scheduled and they canceled it. I know the modeling business is fickle and one should not take it personally; it’s a business after all. But for the first time in a long time, I cried. I was so fucking excited and then crushed when it fell apart. Maybe that sounds stupid but I don’t care. I have not been that disappointed in a long time.
In late March, I also had some feedback about how my book proposal was faring with potential publishers. I have an agent and she was honest in telling me that the market right now for my kind of book was tough and a bit of dead end.
Publishers right now are looking for celebrities with bipolar disorder or experts on bipolar, like doctors, researchers etc…That point pisses me off so much because I AM a subject matter expert because I HAVE bipolar! It’s a real Catch 22, as the publishers don’t want to publish an unknown author but it’s hard to become known when publishers won’t support your book.
The prevailing advice HAD been to create a marketing platform, then self-publish. If you have no platform, then attract an agent and publisher. Well, I had the agent but no publisher. I’ve had lots of interest from publishers over the years, but no contract.
I posted on my Facebook today that I am now, begrudgingly, considering self-publishing my book in order to build my own marketing platform. It will take a lot of work in self-promotion on Amazon, Kindle, blogs, social media, podcasts, whatever other outlets I can reach. But it seems that after a few years of waiting for things to happen with my book, maybe it’s time to take some action and make things happen for myself. I certainly gave the traditional publishing route enough time.
I know my book on my life with bipolar disorder could help some people. In the end, that’s what it’s all about. And after pulling myself up from a few shitty months, maybe it’s time to create some momentum. It’s time to rock and roll again.
–Rise from the ashes. Never give up